There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
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My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.