Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
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My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.