doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
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shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Spell check is for lasers.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’