person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
You Might Also Like
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
😂 amazing answer
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
I’d … I’d rather not.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
A woman drives into a bar.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit