Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
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Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again