Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
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9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
No, YOUR illiterate.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
LOL!
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.