DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
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Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some