I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
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Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!