Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
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A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.