BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
me when i see my girls butt
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down