Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
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Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*