Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
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My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.