That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
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Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?