When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
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Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
THIS HEADLINE
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Lmao the reply
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
My birthstone is kidney
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.