Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
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[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them