Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
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I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Oh my god
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
I have a black belt in leather
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
There are usually two types of merchants.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.