“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
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when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
The morning after pill, but for tweets
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]