The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
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me and my fake scenarios
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Friday night party time 🥳
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo