*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
You Might Also Like
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
the #horror is real!
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS