grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?