There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
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His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.