“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
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New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
first you must answer his riddles
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.