[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
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Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.