Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
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This took me a second..
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die