“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
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Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime