People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
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BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
You are what you delete.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Whoa 😂
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!