Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
You Might Also Like
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories