Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
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“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want