My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
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I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes