They say women only use 10% of their anger
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I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.