Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
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I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Nomnomnomnom
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos