Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
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Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
All set.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I think the cat got the dog high.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle