[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
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[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs