[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
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*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”