“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
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MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.