interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
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Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
mathematically impossible
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
December birthdays be like…
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*