Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
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My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?