My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
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Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
yeah no that’s fair
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]