My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
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Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.