TRAIN’S HERE
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What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
sugar glider wrangler
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait