“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
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Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
May never get over this
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
My dress code is business-casualty.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
lol
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever