My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
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my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought