The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
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Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Mountain Goat : )
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.