[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
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“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I’m listening
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.