One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
You Might Also Like
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes