I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
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How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.