My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
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Monday Lisa
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Is fructose made with real fruct?
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.