I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
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This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working