I just checked Web MD and I have everything
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If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.