*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
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[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
the simulation is moving too fast
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
no refunds
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby